new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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