So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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