This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
