Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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