i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
