Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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