and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
