Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
