yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
