did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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