you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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