I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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