You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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