Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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