I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
