So drunk its hurt
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
