dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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