3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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