when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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