Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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