The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
