I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
