can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I have peed in a lot of sinks
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
