Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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