i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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