i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
