Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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