I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
