Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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