She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
