I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize