Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
