I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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