i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
whose parrot is this?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
