Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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