He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
