capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
