I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
