No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize