Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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