I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize