How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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