here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's never too late to be topless.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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