Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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