My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
