the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
