dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
