Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
