It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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