I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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