you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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