and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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