I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
