She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize