Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
