is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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