I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
