Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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