we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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