That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
