I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
