I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm bleeding and have questions
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
