u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
im six kinds of drunk right now
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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