Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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