I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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