Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
