I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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