I have demons in me.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
