I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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