I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize