My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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