I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You can't motorboat a personality
im about as happy as oj after his trial
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
