Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You left your phone here
Wait...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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